Beyond Facing Fears
It’s not enough to just acknowledge a phobia, I have to change my behavior by participating in activities I’m most afraid of. Nike’s slogan “Just do it” encapsulates the most effective approach to overcoming fears. Facing a fear is like practicing High Intensity Interval Training. I’ll get out of breath, sweaty and won’t be able to talk for a few minutes but for all the right reasons.
Exposure therapy has shown to help people confront the sources of their anxiety in realistic and safe situations. If I periodically expose myself to nerve wracking situations that intimidate me, the people, places or events become less alienating over time. Exposure therapy is often used by therapists for symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but these methods can be used in less severe cases as well.
A scaredy-cat.
When I was a kid, I never successfully learned how to ride a bike because I didn’t keep trying. Exposure therapy requires perseverance and patience. If I had continued to ride my bike, accepting the fact that I might fall, then I may have learned from the experience. The threat of scraped knees and bruised elbows kept me from getting on my bike and I avoided it by riding a scooter instead. I couldn’t get over this psychological hurdle.
Self-efficacy is the antidote to fear because efficacious people are able to look at problems, knowing that they can solve them. While a fearful person will run from an uncomfortable scenario before hearing all of the facts. The point of exposure therapy is to jump over the obstacle regardless of possible failure or discomfort. When people say that they will never forget certain skills because it’s like riding a bike, I really cannot relate to that comparison. A friend once told me that F.E.A.R stands for “facing everything and relaxing.” The best way to move past anxiety about the future, an awkward dinner party or an unprepared job interview is to look at reality and accept it. This doesn’t mean you have to like the situation but getting angry at the facts doesn’t tend to accomplish anything.
I tend to avoid certain people in my life who I feel insecure around. Sooner or later I’ll have to engage in a real conversation with someone who I dislike or who stresses me out. Avoidance is like putting a book on a shelf that I need to read. The book will still be there regardless of how long I avoid picking it up. This can be an effective strategy if used temporarily. But the shelf-life is short so eventually I’ll need to read every word. Some problems get bigger if ignored for too long.
If I need to apologize for something I’ve done, it’s best to do so as quickly as possible. Waiting can only make things worse. But other potentially uncomfortable situations such as asking for a raise or getting on a rollercoaster can be put on hold. The point of facing phobias is not just acknowledging that they exist but also looking at the fear in a realistic manner. If in doubt just turn a fearful situation into a funny one. Many moments in life are more malleable than we might think!
Questions I ask myself when feeling I have the urge to be avoidant:
How much disruption will this event or person cause in my life?
What are the benefits of participating in the experience?
Can I gain self awareness from overcoming my fear?
Can I understand why the source of fear causes me anxiety?