Take It or Leave It
I have a question for you all: is the phrase “you are not like most/other/those girls” a compliment?
Maybe, once upon a time, it was, when you thought it meant you stood out, were special and unique. But, if they want to tell you that you stand out, why don't they just say so? They could have chosen to say something like “you caught my eye the first time I saw you” or “you stand out whenever you smile.” If they want to tell you how special or unique you are, they can say something like “you are very special to me” or “the way you make me feel is unique.”
With so many options, why use a compliment that results in an absurd competition between other women and you? Why use a compliment that automatically denigrates other women?
The “you are not like most girls” phrase reinforces a misogynist culture that has been normalized. In movies, books, series, and even songs it is a well-known scene where a popular, salad-eating, and makeup-lover girl, usually referred to as shallow and superficial, is the rival of a don’t-give-a-damn, book-lover or sports-lover girl, usually referred to as not feminine enough. It may seem fun and harmless, but this representation immediately invites judgment on a girl’s preferences.
It divides women into different groups and invites them to not only compare themselves all the time and compete with each other but to force themselves to be “different” and choose the things that others choose for them. It is a way to destroy individuality, encourage insecurity, and set back the advances of women.
It is incredibly derogatory.
And I know because I lived it.
As I grew up, I remember putting a certain stereotype over myself to make sure I wasn't like most girls. I wouldn’t wear dresses or high heels, even though I love fashion. I wouldn’t wear handbags because they made me feel too girly, even though they are extremely practical. I wouldn’t wear makeup, even though I love making damn great cosplays for Halloween. And I wouldn’t get my nose out of a book, even though I wanted to go to parties and hang out like those girls.
Then, the end of middle school came and I turned myself into the total opposite so I wouldn’t be one of those girls—the sporty, the nerd, the geek. Unattractive, unapproachable, and left behind. I wouldn’t give my all to school, even though I liked learning new things and felt an incredible satisfaction every time I understood something hard. I wouldn’t play sports, even though I like basketball. I wouldn’t let myself eat too much when I went out with my friends, even though I can eat half a large pizza on my own. And I left in second place my graphic novels, animated shows, book trilogies, and art, even though I desperately wanted to share them with those girls.
And I failed. I failed both times.
Because it wasn’t me. The persona I had created wasn’t me -it was a puppet of insecurity and fear.
By the beginning of my high school sophomore year, I was done.
Done putting myself on one side of the line or the other when it felt so blurry for me. Done comparing myself to other girls because why the hell did I have to do that? Done with forcing myself to like certain things, dress in a certain way, follow a certain script. Done with being flattered when someone said: you are not like most girls.
How are most girls supposed to be?
Why is it so hard to believe that each and every woman and girl in the world has their own amazing and crazy personality?
In the words of Hailee Steinfield in her song Most Girls:
Most girls are smart and strong and beautiful
Most girls, work hard, go far, we are unstoppable
...no two are the same.
Take it or leave it.