Radically Honest Dating Conversations: Please Talk About Having Kids
Don’t scare them off. Too much too soon? How to keep the mystery alive. Never order these things on a first date. What NOT to wear. The magazines, the articles, the hundreds of advice columns that permeated my peripheral as a preteen-me stared blankly around the walls of the checkout counter at the grocery store, they all warned me of the same things surrounding dating: don’t be yourself. Not at first, at least.
After years of giving up my own authority to try and impress a date or partner, I harbor two things: exhaustion, and questions. When’s the right time to start being myself? Why should I have to hide from someone who might end up being in my life for years to come? Even in casual dating — why would I want to spend my energy trying to elusively impress a hookup? Whatever your relationship status or goals, the notion of holding yourself back in order to appear more likable to another person seems like a quick path to a rocky relationship that’s built on uncertainty and assumptions.
One of the biggest conversation pieces that come to mind in exploring this space is a big one: the desire to have children. The Mac Daddy of dating conversations, if you will. This is a big topic for people because many of us have strong opinions on what we want in the “creating tiny humans” department, and rightfully so. Personally, I’m undecided. As a 25-year-old woman who has a chronic illness and is decidedly doing nothing with her college degree, I feel like much of my life is still in flux, and having children is something I’ll have to decide for myself at a later time. But what if I start dating someone who absolutely wants kids? Or absolutely doesn’t? That could be a make-or-break conversation for myself or a partner! It seems so much healthier to discuss the concept early on rather than wait for potential arguments, let downs, and heartbreak down the road.
If the mere mention of the “kids” subject made you feel lightheaded, here are some other things to consider in the scope of radically honest dating conversations: Are you looking for someone who wants to live in a certain region of the world and nowhere else? Someone who has a specific type of job or ambitions? Do you want a partner who is affiliated with your religion? Are you wanting to explore relationships beyond the bounds of monogamy? If you’re looking to date — especially if you’re looking to date seriously - you’ve gotta get specific about what you want out of life and communicate that directly with new or potential partners.
Let me be clear here; there’s a fine line between being honest and word-vomiting on another person. Discussing passions and hobbies are generally good conversation pieces, so if your passion is to build a family or live in a particular country or have a partner you can start a business with, then why hold that information back from someone who could potentially be a big part of your life? It would be heartbreaking to date someone for a long period of time, maybe even grow to love them, even share a living space, and find that they don’t share the same desires as you. The Big Things that we’re afraid to talk about early in relationships for fear of “scaring them off” are some of the most certain deal breakers for people as time goes on.
Open the door to these conversations by prefacing that you prefer honesty. Ask them about their visions for the future, and let them know you’re wanting to explore these conversations for both of your sakes. I promise it’s not as scary as it sounds! And if you find yourself on a date with or actively dating someone who is unwilling to talk about the Big Things or thinks these conversations are too emotional, that should raise a red flag. People are collectively craving honesty and vulnerability more than anything else these days, and someone who’s unwilling to be honest with you (and likely, themselves) is not someone you want to be pursuing a relationship with in the first place.
It feels to me like most conventional dating advice is dishonest and inauthentic - I am begging you to talk about your future kids when dating a new partner. And not like these-are-the-children-we-will-have-together (creepy), but if you know that you want to live on a farm in Maine with your future partner and three children and five chickens and two dogs and nothing in the world will make you happier, it’s probably best to get that one out of the way before the relationship becomes serious. Relationships involve a lot of communication and a lot of compromises, and being radically honest right off the bat can only help a relationship grow as it goes on.
