Navigating Thanksgiving with Gratitude, Even in 2020
By Emma Wright
(Helping you have a mentally and physically safe Thanksgiving this year)
The holiday season hasn’t really hit me yet. In any other year, I would be getting ready to greet extended family for a visit, planning on eating my weight in homemade enchiladas for Thanksgiving-Eve (a family tradition), and spending extra time with friends. I’m having a hard time getting into the spirit this time around, and I don’t think you need me to tell you how different my plans are this year as we sit in the worst wave of the Coronavirus pandemic in the U.S. so far.
Not to mention that the beginning of the holiday season is already a stressor for many people, especially those who have strained family relationships or unpleasant memories of holidays past. Whatever your situation is this year, we have some ideas for having a mentally and physically healthy Thanksgiving, whether you choose to gather in person or over Zoom (who, by the way, removed their 40-minute limit in honor of the holiday!).
Despite all the obstacles 2020 has thrown our way, it is still possible to have a mentally and physically safe holiday!
Navigating Confrontational Family Members: It seems like most of us have a story about tense dinner table conversations, especially when visiting with family members who we don’t see very often. Will your aunt start pestering you about why you’re still single? What if your cousin brings up the crazy conspiracy theories he always shares on Facebook? Is somebody going to drink too much and cause a scene like they did at x holiday a few years ago? Political tensions are higher than ever this year, and not everyone at the Thanksgiving dinner table may agree with your personal views. If you are choosing to gather with those beyond your immediate household for Thanksgiving, here are some tips to navigate potentially negative discussions.
Keeping neutral. Although it may feel nearly impossible when someone is vocalizing strong opinions that you disagree with, they can’t push any further if you don’t give them any power. By choosing not to engage in a potentially inflammatory conversation, we can all save on the drama and arguing that may ensue.
Using “I” statements. If you do feel the need to engage in a subject matter that you can’t morally or personally turn the other cheek to, try using “I” statements that appeal to emotion rather than “you” statements. “I don’t see it that way” hits differently than “you don’t know what you’re talking about.” Starting sentences with “you” immediately makes the other person feel accused of something, and can potentially make things worse, whereas leading with “I” can pique someone’s interest in a conversation with more common ground.
Working toward understanding. Rather than trying to change someone’s mind, consider what might happen if you both tried to better understand why that person holds this opinion/believes this thing in the first place. You may have more similar ideas than you realized. (Recommended read: The Art of Navigating a Family Political Discussion, Peacefully by Ashley Fetters.)
When Food is Triggering: An estimated 9% of Americans have struggled with an eating disorder in their lifetime, and the holidays can be especially difficult. Maybe this is or was you, or maybe you have dietary restrictions for health reasons or personal practices. Thanksgiving - traditionally celebrated with a large feast - may be a huge source of stress, and when I went looking for existing “holiday eating” guides, I was mortified at the amount that harped on portion control and avoidance. Whatever your relationship with food, we want you to enjoy yourself without shame or stress. Here are some reminders:
You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Your eating habits, preferences, and choices are yours to make, and a polite declination or “no” is simple enough to assert boundaries. We’re talking about your comfort level, here - not anyone else’s. If someone is being pushy about the food you’re eating (or not eating), visit the above section on confrontational family members!
Practice intuitive eating. The key word here is practice. It takes a long time to develop intuitive eating habits, however, it doesn’t mean we can’t leave you with some ideas. The concept boils down to listening to your body - when it is, hungry, peckish, uncomfortable, or satisfied. (Recommended read: The Intuitive Eater’s Holiday Bill of Rights via IntutiveEating.org.)
You’ve earned this. Keep in mind that by simply being alive and having an opportunity to celebrate Thanksgiving in any capacity, you’ve earned the right to eat delicious food. Excessive dieting or exercising before or after a holiday only perpetuates unhealthy ideas about food and takes away from your enjoyment in the moment. If you feel negative thoughts creep up, give them a little Thanksgiving nudge by expressing gratitude for the opportunity to enjoy an indulgent meal today, and it does not require punishment. (Again, it’s a practice!)
Expressing Gratitude: Ah, the essence of Thanksgiving as we know it today. I leave this for readers who are not joining their families this year, who are foregoing traditions, and who might be feeling blue about the whole situation. Practicing gratitude can actually improve mental health, which is pretty darn cool. With that in mind, I’ll leave you with suggestions for gratitude exercises that can be used today or in the future:
Journaling. This exercise can be done right when you wake up or before you go to sleep, but personally, I have a hard time making “rules” for myself, and I’m learning to do things as I think of them. Whenever is best for you during your day, write down three things that you are grateful for. My best advice? Try to avoid the negatives as you try to focus on something positive. Example: “I’m grateful I wasn’t all that anxious today” sounds a lot different than “I’m grateful for the calm in my life today.” Little adjustments make big differences.
A gratitude rock. Rock, special coin, small trinket - it doesn’t really matter, as long as you pick one small object to be your gratitude reminder. You can keep it in your pocket, next to your bed, in your purse or wallet, or in a variety of different places if you frequently pick it up and carry it around. Regardless, set an intention for this object and whenever you pick it up, pause and express gratitude for something in your day. You’ll never look at that little stone the same way again.
The Classic. Go around the room and share one thing you’re grateful for (if you’re in a group, on Zoom or in person). I know, I know - this is the activity your grandma or aunt probably makes everyone do at the dinner table on Thanksgiving, and it seems cheesy and overrated. But speaking of personal experience, I’ve had some incredibly transformative experiences sharing with friends (and strangers!) in the past. You might just learn something about someone, or yourself. It’s not gonna hurt.
Wherever you are this Thanksgiving, we at La Tonique want you to be safe and happy. Strained family relationships, differing dietary restrictions and habits or the lacking traditions don’t necessarily equate to something being wrong or bad. This year is just different, and different is okay. Happy Thanksgiving, y’all.
Emma is a culture writer for La Tonique.
