How to Set Boundaries as a Natural People Pleaser
How many times have you agreed to something, knowing full well you didn’t want to do it? Or made plans because you feel an obligation to the person that asked, rather than to yourself? Do you feel guilty when you’re not constantly available for the people around you, at work or socially?
Like me, you’re probably a people pleaser. Although there’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to make other people happy, people pleasers tend to take things too far by burning themselves out with too many commitments, hiding their true feelings or opinions and generally changing their behavior based on how they think others will perceive it.
I’ve held these qualities for as long as I can remember but started really recognizing them just a few years ago. I realized that I was never holding my own opinion, constantly feeling like I had to adjust the things that I expressed interest in, and would over-commit myself to the point of exhaustion — all because I was afraid the people in my life would leave or be unhappy with me if I didn’t. I had to really take a step back and look at my life objectively to start “recovering” as a people pleaser. I’m proud to say that after a few years I feel more like myself than ever, but it takes daily practice to pour love into myself before I pour my energy into anyone else. Here are some of my practices for creating healthy boundaries and shedding the guilt I used to carry:
Get in touch with how you feel. I used to blindly say yes to things without stopping to consider how I felt about it; or, I would shove any negative feelings aside and push forward. Next time you’re agreeing to something, ask yourself: Am I doing this because I want to or because I think it will make someone else happy?
Take time to think before responding to others. When someone asks you to take on a new project or commit to an event, they likely don’t need a response right away. Take a few hours — or a few days, if you have them — to think about whether or not you really have time for it. It’s perfectly reasonable to say, “I’m not sure — let me think about it!”
Practice sticking to your opinion — even in the smallest of ways! I recommend journaling about the things that you love. Favorite songs, favorite books, something about your day that made you smile, and so on. Personal experiences that no one can sway your opinion on. Really dig deep into why [insert thing you care about] makes you so passionate! The practice of affirming these things to yourself can help make you more comfortable holding your opinions in conversation with others.
Be upfront with how you feel. I know it can seem scary, but letting someone know you’re tired or overwhelmed can benefit both of you! Committing to things when you’ve already burnt out means that people only see the burnt-out version of you, rather than the passionate, excited-to-be-there version. Practicing the phrase, “No thanks, I just need to spend some time with myself,” is one of the best things I’ve learned.
Practice empathy for yourself. People pleasers tend to be very empathetic and will anticipate the emotions or feelings of others. This anticipation can pressure us to change our behavior in order to accommodate those emotions or feelings. Although empathy and compassion are wonderful qualities in a person, altering your own behavior to the perceived benefit of someone else is an exhausting and unhealthy way to live. So, if you’re already very empathetic, this exercise should be fairly easy. In this scenario, someone is asking you to make plans with them, but you’re already really burnt out this week and would so much prefer to stay home and rest or prioritize something else. Instead of compulsively saying yes and perpetuating burnout, consider first — how would you feel if you asked a friend to hang out, and they said no because they were tired? You’d completely understand, and not be offended whatsoever. Could it be possible that your friend would receive your response the same way if you say no? More than likely, that answer is yes! And if your friend is the type of person who takes your “no” personally or makes you feel bad for saying no, this probably isn’t a person you want to be spending a lot of time with.
Make yourself the #1 person to please. Seriously. I know that life is a lot of giving and take, but if you put yourself above everything else, you’ll not only feel better mentally, but you’ll end up having more space for the things you truly care about, and the people that love you will receive a more authentic version of you (that is probably really fun to be around!).
As a recovering people pleaser, I can genuinely promise that living a life with boundaries is better. I take my time to respond to texts, make my personal space a priority, and have started becoming more passionate about the things I love — shedding away the guilt that someone else might not love it too. These small but impactful acts have helped me feel more secure in myself, and like I have more energy to do the things I care about. Since I’ve begun these practices, I’ve also realized that the people who stay in my life love me for who I am, not for what I can provide for them.
