Recently, guys I’m talking to have asked me about the worst dates I’ve ever been on while we’re messaging on an app or on our first date. Whenever I explain the circumstances, these dates don’t seem as awful as they once did. Perhaps because time has passed I’m able to look at these interactions with a fresh perspective. It may not be the end of the world that I once wore a fancy outfit on a date with a man who was dressed like a dedicated ultimate frisbee player. Most so-called ‘bad dates’ eventually become great anecdotes.  

I haven’t used Tinder in a long time but the last date I had with a man from that app was not necessarily terrible. It was relatively harmless and gave me a decent story. We met up at a park with a view of the bay and the Golden Gate Bridge. After a few minutes of trying to find each other, we sat down on a picnic blanket and talked for a while. I decided to wear a pair of Rag and Bone checkered shorts but it was much colder than I thought it would be. 

I felt uncomfortable most of the time because the guy really didn’t seem excited to be talking to me. Everyone in the park seemed to be enjoying themselves much more than us. Since he was so charmless I figured I could talk about anything, knowing that I wouldn’t see him again. After an hour of conversation with several awkward intermissions I made an excuse to leave. I didn’t even save his number in my phone. At first I felt self-conscious but that didn’t last long. I don’t believe that most frustrating or weird experiences are a waste of 

time. It depends on how you use them. I choose to laugh at obvious incompatibility in dating situations. It’s Tinder’s fault really. 

During the pandemic I’ve been trying to FaceTime with guys before I meet them. It’s helped me not get sick but also not end up on awkward dates where we have nothing to talk about. Each experience is edifying in some way but that doesn’t mean I don’t have to be picky about who I interact with. For a couple of weeks I was doing video chats with a guy who lives just outside of the Bay Area. It wouldn’t make sense for us to meet in person right away because neither of us have cars. These calls were a fun experiment because we had great conversations but that wasn’t quite enough. I was reminded that dating app profiles often tell a story you’d like to think is reality and the person tells another, which can be vastly different from what the plot points in your head. He was lovely to talk to but just not my type of guy. Sometimes dates are an opportunity to be direct and honest with someone. It’s ok to just say, “We’re not very compatible” and leave it at that. In this case we were both thinking that we lacked compatibility but he didn’t want to say anything right away.  I’d rather hear it from the person than be ignored or ‘ghosted.’ 

Another recent date I went on was also fine. I didn’t need to be rescued. It wasn’t bad but there was no spark or meaning behind it. I learned a lot about his job, education and interests in science. I could barely share anything about myself because he kept talking and asking me intense questions about politics. I did enjoy the conversation but it felt like an interview more than a date. For the first time in a while I wondered if I was on the same intellectual plane as the person I was hanging out with. I suppose it was a humbling experience. So the date wasn’t a waste of time. 

Dating requires patience. Many of the attributes in a partner that I thought were important when I downloaded the app, I no longer look for or know that type isn’t realistic. I’ve come to terms with the fact that an intellectual lumberjack only exists in films. I find myself letting go of superficial wants and more carefully considering my needs when it comes to relationships and dating. Each time I’m out with someone I can reassess what I’m looking for. After a bad date the worst case scenario is that I’ll have an interesting story to tell.