I’m staring at two pairs of hoop earrings, one silver and the other gold. An hour and a half before my first date, I start to overanalyze which color goes best with my complexion. My anxiety starts to settle in, and I drop one of the silver hoops by accident into the sink from the heavy shaking. I guess the universe decided for me that gold is my color. I move onto makeup and start to become obsessive about how uneven my winged eyeliner looks on the left side. I shed a tear over how OCD controls my life. Now I actually ruined my work and have to grab a makeup wipe to start completely over. Insecure and not off to a good start, I wonder if I should cancel this date in general. It would be the third time this month. My therapist and I talked about how important committing is for my self confidence. I don’t want to prove him wrong, so I decide to stick with it. As I start to iron my sundress, the first thought that comes to my head is “Do I tell him I’m bipolar on the first date or do I wait awhile to break the news?” This is the reality of dating while mentally ill no one wants to discuss.

A first date gone right is a foreign exchange in my world, let alone getting into a relationship. I gear for battle with small talk and a subtle girly laugh, but deep down I just want to scream to him everything wrong with me. We exchange small talk and quickly look away when the eye contact becomes too intense. The more I start to learn about him, the quicker I want to leave the restaurant. As he tells me about his friend group, I think about how I wouldn’t have any girl friends to be my bridesmaids at our wedding. I make up some lies about my job because I got fired for being in the hospital and missing too many days of work. He just got a new promotion and is next in line to become his bosses’ favorite. We’ll never be on the same page. He’ll never understand me. I excuse myself to use the restroom and start crying for the second time that night. Individuals that attend AA (alcoholics anonymous) are taught to never date someone that is also in AA. Although not the same category of disease, that thought process stuck out to me when I chose potential suitors. 

I didn’t want to stay in bed drowning in self pity for the rest of my life, so I tried my hardest to find someone that doesn’t deal with a mental illness. However, the reality of finding someone that isn’t afraid to deal with your incurable disease is very present within our society. The misconceptions become so strong that I start to believe in them myself. As I came back from the restroom I looked into his dark brown eyes. I knew I could never tell him what I was hiding. He was too put-together for me. Why would he ever want to deal with me? Is all I could repeat to myself as we were finishing up dessert. He asks if I’m okay and I explain to him what’s going on in my head. The narrative of being mentally ill equates to you being unlovable has to stop. I’m sorry humanity told you otherwise. However, it’s simply not true. I’ll admit that I’m terrified for my future. How many more first dates can I take that end up in pools of tears? How many more rejections and freaked out faces can my brain store in the back of my cerebellum? I don’t know the answer to this question, but I do know I have to keep going. For the sake of all mentally ill individuals, we have to prove them wrong. You are meant to be here and you will be loved for all you have to offer. 

Everyone comes with flaws, physical and biological. There were things wrong about him that I didn't even know yet, however all I could focus on were the positive aspects he was telling me. 

Those that struggle with depression, anxiety, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, and more tend to find themselves entangled in negative labels rather than embracing the positive about themselves. It becomes a game of comparison, and we have to train our brains to find the light even in our darkest moments. Don’t be afraid to share who you are, for the right person will accept all “baggage” you come with. It’s your choice who you end up with too, you are not the only one that was designed imperfectly. So here’s to all those still attempting to date, despite the inevitable difficulties that come with it. Keep showing up with your imperfect eyeliner and anxious thoughts, for one day it’s going to pay off. Hopefully you give yourself a break and have a choice in the color of your earrings you choose to wear.