By Emma Wright

It came up quietly. It snuck up on me and disarmed me. This one simple realization has so drastically improved my mental state of being over the past two months that I can characterize this phase of my life with a distinct “before” and “after” period. The epiphany in question? I don’t love myself right now. 

It sounds like a bad thing and I know it could easily be viewed that way. The concept hadn’t even dawned on me until my roommate, who is also a close friend of mine, pointed it out in the midst of one of my breakdowns. I moved in with her in October after going through several months of debilitating anxiety, been forced to step out of work opportunities because of it, gone through a breakup (which led to moving out of a house with my ex-partner and into a house with this friend), changed jobs, and had been struggling with my physical health as well as my emotional health. It was also in this time frame that I started getting caught up in the comparison trap; not with others, but with myself.

I suddenly found myself going through pictures of myself from two or three years ago and seeing a completely different person. I saw a happier version of myself, who was making new friends all of the time, laughing and going on adventures as opposed to the newly-single anxious wreck that began to confront me in the mirror. I saw a longer-haired and thinner version of myself who was constantly networking and seeking new opportunities and creative endeavors, compared to more recent months where I struggled to make it to a part-time job. So as I was sitting at my kitchen counter, telling my roommate about how distraught I was over feelings of intense longing for these older versions of myself, she said, “I’m seeing that you don’t love yourself right now.” Somehow, that was a revolutionary concept. 

I don’t know how I didn’t put it together before but I don’t love myself right now because I feel, and am, so different than I was just a year ago. I’ve gone through a slew of changes in my romantic relationships, friendships, physical and mental health and academic and professional life that of course, I would change. I’m also in my mid-twenties, where an abundance of personal growth is inevitable. But the point is, realizing that I don’t love myself right now was groundbreaking because it helped me pull out of the comparison trap. I don’t look or feel like the person I was in my old pictures because I’m not and there’s no way for me to return to that state of being again. All I’ve really lost is a version of myself that doesn’t serve me anymore. Wondering “where I’ve gone” isn’t going to get me to the places I need to go. I’m becoming someone entirely new and it is terrifyingly beautiful.

I’m not exaggerating one bit when I say that since this conversation with my roommate, I have felt a thousand times better. In a sense, the phrase “you don’t love yourself right now” was what I needed to finally break the cycle of comparison I was in and to stop looking for answers in the past. I felt suddenly liberated from my negative thoughts and the whole concept has given me the permission I needed to look at my current state of being with more objectivity and curiosity. What does the current version of me like or love? What does she want out of her future? Her relationships, romantic or otherwise? Her living space and workspace? Who is she? 

I can honestly say that I’m not sure who I am right now. My old self was great but she was not without her imperfections and challenges. She struggled with asserting boundaries, wasn’t a very good communicator, and was afraid of spending time alone. So if that version of myself still had fun, made new friends, and was killer at networking, how much potential does my future self have? Infinite. 

So yeah, I don’t love myself right now because I don’t know myself very well. But by shifting into this perspective I am also giving myself the opportunity to fall in love with myself again. 

Has your perception of yourself changed anytime recently? Tell us in the comments below!

Emma is a lifestyle writer for La Tonique.