Active listening requires that I engage in a conversation, hold back judgment and be able to parrot their words back to them. As a people pleaser, I often find myself trapped in disturbing dialogues. What if I had access to a real-life mute function? While this may sound like an idea stolen from a cheesy Adam Sandler movie, not listening is a useful skill in specific situations. Satisfaction can be found in disregarding others’ toxicity. 

I have regular zoom calls with some friends who live in LA and Chicago. During my most recent chat, one of my friends was trying to convince me that online dating doesn’t work. He delivered a speech about how it’s safer and more exciting to meet someone from the ‘real world’. As soon as he disrespected my boundaries I immediately stopped making direct eye contact and began to recall all The Big Lebowski quotes that I could remember. My friend continued talking for several minutes and then asked me if he was making sense. The key to inactive listening is to block the person’s words without completely disengaging from the conversation. He was frustrated that I didn’t have a response to his monologue but all  I could do was shrug and change the subject. 

Inactive listening also prevents passive aggression or lashing out while speaking with someone who clearly doesn’t understand the impact of their words. A few days ago I ran into a family friend who seemed to be off his meds for bipolar disorder. He was manically describing how the FBI has been listening to his calls and our conversation, insisting that we keep our voices down. Apparently, he is wanted for a crime he didn’t commit. I had to keep my mouth shut and turn my ears off. I mimicked the surprised emoji as he rambled on. 

This morning when I was in the elevator, my neighbors were talking about how unsafe vaccines are and that it’s a scam. I have a particularly strong allergy to anti-vaxxers. Inactive listening helped me get out of my building without ripping the pearls off one of these elderly women’s necks. I stood in the elevator, grinding my teeth while trying to ignore their hideously ignorant statements. I expect that midwesterners or Q-anon followers would resent the covid vaccine but fake news of this nature should be dying out in California. It’s too much work to change someone’s mind but discounting misinformation is doable.   

A close friend recently told me about how she talks to her grandmother every other week. My friend takes antidepressants like many fully functioning individuals. The last time they spoke her grandmother asked why she takes a pill every day. My friend had to suppress the urge to respond with: why do you drink a martini once a day? Instead, she ignored the question and asked her grandmother how she was doing. This question launched a two-hour phone call about her life in the nurse’s poor choice of perfume. Sometimes we need to mute the call and focus on another task. At the end of the day, I protect myself while making the other person feel heard with inactive listening.