Be C.O.O.L: Charming, Optimistic, Outgoing, Logical
After a year and a half of social distancing, many people find themselves with increased social anxiety. Recently I have been forcing myself to go to gatherings in order to expose myself to unease. I’m hoping to become less sensitive over time. Social anxiety is defined as “the fear of interaction with other people that brings on self-consciousness, feelings of being negatively judged and evaluated,” One of my friends recently told me about a camping trip he’s going on in August, saying I should come along. So what do I have to lose? I automatically imagine several hypothetical, nightmarish scenarios. The fear of being uncomfortable underlies social anxiety. It’s important to become comfortable with discomfort, embracing the awkward. Many of us can only do this with an alcoholic drink in our hands. But what if it’s possible to overcome self-doubt, insecurity and enjoy these occasions without “social lubricants”? I use the acronym C.O.O.L to remind myself of four simple methods for getting through social events.
C is for calm. Be friendly, make eye contact and smile. Do not worry whether they like you. Ironically I am most witty and curious about others when I stop trying to get them to like me. Similar to Chandler from the '90s sitcom Friends, I cope with social situations via humor. A joke, an anecdote or witticism goes a long way. In every group, each person needs a role. If you can’t be the joker, be a great listener.
O is for optimistic. Adopt a positive outlook. Go into the situation assuming that people enjoy your company and that you have the confidence to be yourself. Ignore the voice in your head asking such questions as: What if I don’t know what to say? What if I say something stupid. What if I don’t know anyone? Social dread can be self-fulfilling, so expect or at least hope for a favorable moment or constructive experience. Opposite action is also a reliable method for reducing this kind of fear. If I want to leave an event early, the ideal action would be to stay and see if it becomes more enjoyable.
O is also for outgoing. Ask questions and force yourself to participate in the conversation. Most of us have felt out of place or insecure at a dinner party. Social anxiety is not uncommon. It helps to share these fears with a friend or family member. Receiving a reality check from someone else punctures irrational ideas including “no one likes me” or “I shouldn’t have worn bright red pants.” Focus outward, pay attention to others.
L is for logic. Check the facts. Are your anxious thoughts realistic? Are they grounded? What is the worst-case scenario? If someone acts as if you’re fun to be around, it’s probably true! Separating facts from fiction derails our inner dialogue, the evil creature on our shoulder that tells us we are unlikeable, unwelcome or uninteresting. Another calming technique is to change your body temperature. Holding an ice cube on your tongue is a mindfulness technique that can reduce panic. If my gut reaction is to follow my emotions then I should challenge them. Fear of evaluation or rejection can be overcome.